you know you look good when…

your landlady who hasn’t seen you in about 8 months comes to your door and exclaims “have you gained 20 pounds?!”

#f-ingcymbalta, #emilypost, #feelinglikeamillionbucks

Seriously, I have not eaten for this weight which is the most annoying thing and it’s NOT 20 pounds. Good Lord. I didn’t even get to enjoy the chub up!

Seriously i hate medications. Thankfully i only seem to gain weight from medications (ok, other than the hideously long beer bender i call “college”).  It’s been 3 months without any Cymbalta and you’d think some of this would come off right about now. Thankfully, i am reading that infrared sauna is an amazing calorie burner. Bring it on!

Life is good

First off, i just drove to Marina del Rey and back. The last time i was able to do that was late 2008/early 2009 (just before things got gnarly). I was almost in tears. I’ve actually missed driving the 405!!! And i almost ran a red right in front of a cop getting on the 10…GLORIOUS!!!

I nearly crumbled to the ground on my return but i made it! This was better than my drive to Brentwood on Thanskgiving when i had tears streaming down my face and just kept driving into West LA. This time I got to my destination.

The dentist replaced a few fillings. Hoping to change my brain chemistry with that as well as the dietary changes I implemented a year ago and, of course, my recent quick drop off Cymbalta.  I want my brain to tweak and come Sunday i will go for another Swedish massage in the hope it will help desensitize my nerves but also to open up the meridians running down my lower legs which have been blocked for so long.

I just booked a consultation with the cardiologist who runs an IV nutritional place here in town. I have to wait until after the New Year 😦 but i am super excited to get planning for my two week IV Vitamin C trial, assuming this guy will prescribe it.  I looked at other places and this seems a little more legit that they want my bloodwork and everything first.  I have my cilantro/cholorella mx going, just took a garlic pill, and ate a kale and edamame salad.

I bought a box of lady fingers…does it count as junk food it I bought it at Rainbow Acres???? Say no.

It’s 12:30 AM and i am WIDE awake. I am detoxing off Cymbalta.  Shoot me.  Actually, compared to other detoxes, it’s not that bad.  I will say, finally watching Homeland is helping although perhaps I should have settled in on a show that was less intense. It’s nice to be able to watch TV but I imagine blinking would be good. I liked Sargent Dick Winters (Sargent?) far better when he was fucking up some Nazis (i want to randomly yell out “Curahee!”) but I am loving this show.

When I detoxed from MS Contin and oxycodone (about a year apart), I wasn’t even really able to concentrate on TV.  I did have a weird thing when i would wake up in panic in the night (it was suggested to me this was PTSD) for several weeks after i detoxed off of oxycodone. That was fucking awful but the one thing that would soothe me was The Philadelphia Story.  I have a weird thing with old movies.  When I’m in need of comfort, I turn to Breakfast at Tiffany’s. When I want white noise when i sleep, it’s Sabrina. Apparently when i wake up suddenly in the night ready to crap my pants, I go for the other Hepburn. How fricking weird. I never thought about that.   I’m Team Audrey.  I’d rather run my eyeball full speed at your hand while you are holding a fork than listen to Katherine Hepburn ramble on. In my mind, that’s the inflection chickens have when they speak to one another in the coop.

I can’t believe that I let a doctor talk me into a medication and now I am kicking myself for it.  How is there something called a “brain zap” that doctors don’t warn you about??? A brain zap. It’s just like it sounds – like someone is electrocuting you.  Ahhh but one benefit to eating for purpose: I just ate a massive amount of dark chocolate and am chalking THAT up to helping my serotonin levels.  Or it could be why I am still awake.

I know it’s the right thing for me to go off this medication.. it didn’t make the sympathetic blocks stick much longer as we had hoped. If anything, the pain came on worse as soon as the effects wore off.  Why pay a dr to knock you out (ok i get that part), inject you with crap (ah em, Mass. sketchy compound pharmacy), take all the risks associated with having HUGE needles poking into your spine just to have a day free from pain when it comes back harder than when you started?? Sign me up!

So once my body is done detoxing and my brain unzaps, I am hoping to continue to figure this out. I am still certain that my liver is causing a lot of my issues.  Beware of milk thistle. That stuff’s powerful and apparently toxic to some – me included.

I feel like shit and it’s 1 AM on a Tuesday night and I don’t see sleep in my immediate future. But i had the best horoscope yesterday that brought me to tears earlier (not hard, I’m a freaking hormonal nightmare coming off this garbage).

ARIES Nov, 26, 2012
A mission of yours is coming full circle, Aries. This is something for which you have profound emotion and a deep longing. You may have thought that this would never be complete, and you may not believe even now that it is coming to a close. You haven’t yet felt that sense of validation or relief that comes at the end of such a long journey. But you will. Don’t keep going just because you have gotten so used to the quest. Instead, revel in your sense of accomplishment, and move on to the next part of your journey.

How fantastic is that?? Hell yeah I revel in it.  Partly this has become habit but I am obsessed for a reason. Nobody but those who have RSD are going to try like hell to cure it.  Much like other disease out there, the  big money is made on just treating. Fuck it. I want to cure it.

RSD Headache

We’ve all been there. You’re trying to focus on something but you can’t because your head hurts. It’s not a normal headache. Some days it’s not too bad, other days you can’t function. You really can’t do anything.

In recent months I have been trying to cleanse my liver which I knew was overburdened from years of prescription drugs.  It is this trial and error that leads me to believe this brain feeling is due to our livers being stagnant. I’m not a doctor and don’t pretend to be. But from a common sense perspective (often missing in medicine), when your liver is not removing toxins from the body efficiently, the sympathetic response (your inflammatory response) goes bananas to try to fend off those toxins. Could that be why our diet can affect our RSD symptoms? Perhaps that eating leafy greens and things that help cleanse your liver might ease your brain symptoms? And perhaps also ease the burning pain since your inflammatory response is calmed?

All I can say is I have noticed a substantial difference by adding Gentian drops (bitter root) to my water, cooled dandelion tea to my smoothies and upping my leafy/bitter greens. It may very well be that the meds prescribed to help calm our brains may be actually contributing to the very issue they are meant to treat. Your liver then has to process that pill.  Even if your liver function tests come back normal, there is a very good chance it is not functioning optimally due to the extra stresses put on it.

I am headed to the doctor this week to ask to go off the last med i am on. I was put on Cymbalta in April of this year to see if the calming of my nervous system would help the sympathetic nerve blocks last longer.  There was a slight change but the biggest benefit was for my brain. I was able to think a lot more clearly and that RSD brain ache was lessened. But I want off of it. I have not taken any Robaxin (muscle relaxer) in months and am relying solely on cupping and epsom salts for muscle issues and I took one Advil recently when my headache was out of control.  Otherwise I have relied on foods, qi gong, acupuncture and turmeric capsules for pain. It is my goal to not take any medications whatsoever.

If I dramatically improve without any Cymbalta and by continuing to treat my liver, I will be one happy girl. And then I will start my 2 week trial of intravenous Vitamin C to hopefully knock this thing into permanent remission.  I have said for a few years now that I believe the medications we are put on end up causing more problems than they fix.  I still believe that.