It’s 12:30 AM and i am WIDE awake. I am detoxing off Cymbalta.  Shoot me.  Actually, compared to other detoxes, it’s not that bad.  I will say, finally watching Homeland is helping although perhaps I should have settled in on a show that was less intense. It’s nice to be able to watch TV but I imagine blinking would be good. I liked Sargent Dick Winters (Sargent?) far better when he was fucking up some Nazis (i want to randomly yell out “Curahee!”) but I am loving this show.

When I detoxed from MS Contin and oxycodone (about a year apart), I wasn’t even really able to concentrate on TV.  I did have a weird thing when i would wake up in panic in the night (it was suggested to me this was PTSD) for several weeks after i detoxed off of oxycodone. That was fucking awful but the one thing that would soothe me was The Philadelphia Story.  I have a weird thing with old movies.  When I’m in need of comfort, I turn to Breakfast at Tiffany’s. When I want white noise when i sleep, it’s Sabrina. Apparently when i wake up suddenly in the night ready to crap my pants, I go for the other Hepburn. How fricking weird. I never thought about that.   I’m Team Audrey.  I’d rather run my eyeball full speed at your hand while you are holding a fork than listen to Katherine Hepburn ramble on. In my mind, that’s the inflection chickens have when they speak to one another in the coop.

I can’t believe that I let a doctor talk me into a medication and now I am kicking myself for it.  How is there something called a “brain zap” that doctors don’t warn you about??? A brain zap. It’s just like it sounds – like someone is electrocuting you.  Ahhh but one benefit to eating for purpose: I just ate a massive amount of dark chocolate and am chalking THAT up to helping my serotonin levels.  Or it could be why I am still awake.

I know it’s the right thing for me to go off this medication.. it didn’t make the sympathetic blocks stick much longer as we had hoped. If anything, the pain came on worse as soon as the effects wore off.  Why pay a dr to knock you out (ok i get that part), inject you with crap (ah em, Mass. sketchy compound pharmacy), take all the risks associated with having HUGE needles poking into your spine just to have a day free from pain when it comes back harder than when you started?? Sign me up!

So once my body is done detoxing and my brain unzaps, I am hoping to continue to figure this out. I am still certain that my liver is causing a lot of my issues.  Beware of milk thistle. That stuff’s powerful and apparently toxic to some – me included.

I feel like shit and it’s 1 AM on a Tuesday night and I don’t see sleep in my immediate future. But i had the best horoscope yesterday that brought me to tears earlier (not hard, I’m a freaking hormonal nightmare coming off this garbage).

ARIES Nov, 26, 2012
A mission of yours is coming full circle, Aries. This is something for which you have profound emotion and a deep longing. You may have thought that this would never be complete, and you may not believe even now that it is coming to a close. You haven’t yet felt that sense of validation or relief that comes at the end of such a long journey. But you will. Don’t keep going just because you have gotten so used to the quest. Instead, revel in your sense of accomplishment, and move on to the next part of your journey.

How fantastic is that?? Hell yeah I revel in it.  Partly this has become habit but I am obsessed for a reason. Nobody but those who have RSD are going to try like hell to cure it.  Much like other disease out there, the  big money is made on just treating. Fuck it. I want to cure it.